HULK SMASH KEYBOARD!

I know this is not at all gaming or internet news related, but I have to share this story of what happened last night at work.

I work at a retail store here in Florida (I won't name the store) and last night, I was closing with my manager, who we will call "Manager Awesome," and it had already been a long day full of crap customers who don't seem to want to  stop being massive idiots who cannot seem to keep their thoughts straight, or their annoying mouths shut.

At this point (around 5:30PM, I'd started shift at 1PM) a man, we'll call him "Hulk," came in holding a keyboard tucked under his arm and walked directly up to my manager, and thrust the keyboard into my managers hands.

"Thanks," my manager said, looking more than a little confused, "I'm not sure why you gave me a gift, but hey."

"I'd like you to exchange it," Hulk said.

"Do you have a receipt?"

"No," Hulk replied, "but I do have the warranty that your sales guy sold me."

"Well," Manager Awesome replied, "there's a phone number on the back that you're supposed to call if the keyboard's not working."

SMASH! Hulk, in an overreaction to top all other overreactions, spiked the keyboard on the floor as if it were a football and he'd just scored the game-winning touchdown. The Escape key landed on the desk I was working behind, about 10 yards away.

"I WANT MY [bleep!]ING KEYBOARD! I SPENT MY HARD EARNED [bleep!]ING MONEY ON YOUR [bleep!]ING PLAN JUST SO I COULD [bleep!]ING AVOID THIS [bleep!]ING [bleep!]!"

Manager Awesome looked at the man and calmly replied, "I'm sorry, sir, but I'm sure we can resolve this if you'll just calm down.

Five minutes of Hulk screaming and shouting, turning beet red in the face in the exertion, and Manager Awesome finally told him...

"GET THE HELL OUT OF MY STORE!" 

The entire world where I work stopped.

If we thought that Hulk was shouting loudly, Manager Awesome was cranked up to 11. And finally, Hulk left the store. 


A few moments later, I walked up to Manager Awesome, handed him the Escape key and said, "Here. You need some Escape."

Moral of the Story: Even if you think you're the Incredible Hulk, and you smash a keyboard and throw a temper tantrum trying to get your way... Manager Awesome will still tell you to piss off.

I've also posted a fun picture of the aftermath of the poor, blameless, innocent keyboard.

Please, folks. Don't abuse your keyboards.
They're innocent.

$300 For a Blog

An article over at The Escapist has recently been posted regarding the city of Philadelphia's new policy charging bloggers in their city $300 for a "business privilege license."


What?


Are you honestly going to tell me that the city of Philadelphia is that poor that they have to take money from people who may not be even trying to make any sort of substantial money from their blogs. Mind you, this $300 is only charged to those who have chosen to incorporate ads in their blogs, but still, this fee is charged regardless of whether or not you make any sort of substantial money. It could be only a few dollars, or a few hundred dollars per year, but that seems irrelevant to Philly.


What could've possibly been going through the minds of lawmakers when they put this gem through the legislative process? Is Philly that hard up for cash that they're going to charge people who may not even have a full-time job $300 freaking dollars for a license to speak their minds?
This may not be a contention of free speech so much as it is the money that is made from that speech, but still, this is a "labor of love" as The Escapist writer called it. It's a place where you can voice your frustration and anger about a certain topic without repercussions. This is a place of sanctuary where we can fire off our opinions in order to blow off steam. It's therapeutic for crying out loud, and you're going to charge people $300 for that?


I should mention that there also is, included in this license fee, a "pay wage tax, business privilege tax and a net profits tax," all on what could possibly only be a few dollars in a year. There is also a "proposed update" regarding the law that would eliminate the tax on the first $100,000 of profit brought in, but the bloggers involved are still required to purchase a license. There's also a slap in the face of a "$50 yearly plan" that the (I assume) mildly retarded City Councilor Bill Green suggested bloggers pay instead.


I cannot believe that a city has sunk so low as to start charging for ad revenue to a blog that may not even be about the damn money.


I know one thing's for sure, I'm not moving to Philly anytime soon.

The Laughability of "Mature"

Recently, I was combing through the Kotaku archives, and I found an interesting article regarding a study published in the U.S. Pediatrics Journal back in May 2009. It detailed that "giving a video game a mature rating makes it 'unspeakably desirable' to children." This got me to thinking, "Why do we even bother with making a rating system at all if the kids are just going to find a way to get the mature games anyway?"


Before you jump the gun in the comments section and blast me for saying that the ratings of the games are useless (and I'm not so sure that they aren't) hear me out. When you look at the game's ESRB rating, and see that big, honking M sitting there, aren't you thinking you may have found a decent game? Maybe even the "T" for Teen has tickled your fancy once or twice. This "forbidden fruit" angle that the Kotaku article explored depicted the study as a "foregone conclusion," and that the study's findings, "surprise(d) no one." 


The original idea behind the ESRB was to rate video games based on the maturity level of the content that the game held within. Having a game with gratuitous violence, gore, nudity, drug and alcohol use (and abuse) would obviously fall into the "Mature" category. Violence, drug and alcohol reference and the like would fall under the "Teen" category, and so on. But there's a rather large flaw with this system: The kids are playing the games anyway, regardless of this ban on the sale of Mature games to minors.


I suppose the point of this post is the fact that kids are going to play these games regardless of the Mature or Teen ratings barring them from purchasing the games in the first place. They'll receive them as gifts from parents, aunts, uncles, or people who just plain don't know any better, or even care. Why do we bother with a rating system that doesn't prevent anything except a minor inconvenience of having to receive the game via a middle man?


I've been playing Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 since a month after the game came out, and whenever I had my headphones (and sound) on, I heard the voice chat of at least one boy that sounded as if he hadn't hit puberty yet. At least one I heard sounded like he was maybe eight.


It's disconcerting to think that these children are able to freely roam the ultraviolence of Modern Warfare 2, trying to impress the older generation by calling them all sorts of filthy, vile things, and cursing with abandon. I'm not sure if it's bad parenting, a poor enforcement of ratings at the stores, perhaps an archaic ratings system or a mixture of the three.


I suppose my point is rather selfish in nature but: I'm pretty sure just about everyone would like to play these mature games without a shrill voice shouting in our ears that we're "hacking c*nts."

A Particular Annoyance

Thanks for taking a look at my page, it's been a while since I've posted on this blog, and I hope to start posting with a sense of regularity. When I first started this blog, I was trying to create a review column out of thin air. After one review, I gave up, and didn't come back for three years. But, now I'm back and I'd like to share my views on the world of gaming today, and just my view in general.

Today I've got a topic which is of a particular irritation for me. I hope not to be ranting too much in my later posts, but today's has hit a little close to home.

Recently I asked a woman out on a date. During that date, while we were getting to know each other over a cup of coffee, I asked if she enjoyed playing video games, and I was met with an astonished, and very disgusted stare. "Video games? I'm not a kid anymore. Grow up." And she left.

It's been more and more apparent that you still can't call yourself a "Gamer" without some sort of social pariah status being attached to the label. As stated in David Wong's article over at Cracked, 5 Reasons It's Still Not Cool To Admit You're A Gamer, there's still that stereotype of the "lonely virgin" sitting in our rooms, playing our "little games."

But that's really not the most accurate portrayal of gamers today. The typical gamer is not just a sixteen year old boy who has all the social graces of a rabid wolverine who's high on angel dust. On average, the gaming age has raised significantly to the 25 - 40 age group.

I'm twenty-seven years old, and I feel like that I'm still being treated like I've the emotional maturity of a seventeen year old. The most successful, recent games that I can think of (Mass Effect 2 and God of War 3, for example) include scenes of sexual nature. Yes, Mass Effect 2 does have censored nudity, but the point remains that there's a central plot toward a romance that culminates in a very pervasive sexual scene.

God of War 3 is even worse than this, at least BioWare had the decorum to censor the scene. God of War 3 doesn't even bother. (WARNING: STRONG sexual content and a lot of nudity.)

Yes, I know I'm making the same point that David Wong makes in his article, but the point remains the same. We've been put down as disgusting perverts who like nothing more than to watch a pair of women so overcome with their sexual desires that they just attack one another. (Yes, that happens almost exactly as I described in the above video.)

While I can have a puerile, dirty mind on occasion, I'd like to think I can shake the "lonely gamer" and the "social pariah with an almost paralyzing fixation on boobs" status.

There's also the fact that a lot of the games have, at best, a plot from a late 80's action movie: Man against a sea of faceless adversaries. A wind-up toy with guns. Load him up and watch him kill. It's almost disturbing that we can't have a decent story in video games. While it isn't the most paramount thing, I'd like to think I can enjoy a story and still be a gamer.

Even the critically hailed Alan Wake still can't seem to shake this shtick. The titular character faces a sea of "taken" people, killing everything in his path in order to rescue his wife. Yes, it plays out like a movie, and that's progress, but it's still not enough.

My whole point? We've grown up, why can't video games do the same?

Castlevania: Portrait of Ruin

Title: Castlevania: Portrait of Ruin
Genre: Action/RPG
System: Nintendo DS


Backstory: (Straight from the instruction booklet) The year is 1944. The world is filled with chaos. The second global war holds the entire world in its grip of terror, creating hatred and fear along with countless numbers of lost souls. The agony and hatred of these souls summon the castle of evil. The castle that has appeared many times throughout history only to bring terror and destruction upon its surroundings, the castle of the dark lord, Dracula... The demonic castle.


This game marks the most recent installment of the Castlevania saga of games, and, in my opinion, is probably up there with Castlevania: Symphony of the Night in sheer fun factor. The story is pretty healthy, as it always is with a Castlevania game. You take control of two characters in this game and switch liberally throughout.


Jonathan Morris - "Wielder of the legendary whip, 'Vampire Killer.' A hot-headed, energetic young man, but has confidence, poise and a sense of humor. At times, this makes him seem like he's not taking things seriously. But when it really counts, he can be very clever. His most common answer to things: "No problem."


Jonathan isn't the typical hero of Castlevania games, not being a Belmont, but that doesn't stop him from being an amusingly violent, and cool hero. Able to wield multiple types of weapons, as with the other DS Castlevania games, there's only one problem with Jonathan: He can't really wield the Vampire Killer, since he is not of the Belmont lineage. That doesn't stop him from being quite a badass when it comes to fighting off the hordes of undead and demonic creatures in Dracula's Castle. But, of course, what would a Castlevania hero be without a little backup?


Charlotte Aulin - "Grew up with Jonathan. Intelligent, but is a little too confident in her book smarts. Talks a lot, and sticks her nose into others' business. She takes a logical approach to everything so she comes off as unemotional. Has great magic power, and is seen as the potential final weapon in the battle against Dracula."


Charlotte is mouthy, opinionated and intelligent. All the things that make a woman such a threat. Charlotte is a very great mage, and uses actual books for weapons. Well, she uses her magical ability to enhance knowledge contained within the books as a weapon. For example, Don Quixote sprouts out the fabled knight himself and sticks his spear into the enemies. Entertaining, to say the least! Charlotte is definitely a force to be reckoned with, especially teamed with Jonathan, which brings me to the next point.


Portrait of Ruin brings a refined concept of the Partner system into the mix. Switching liberally between Charlotte and Jonathan is definitely a viable option, as it was with Dawn of Sorrow's characters, but with a major added twist: Partner Attacks. You start off with no Partner Attack skills, but you collect a few very early on. Partner attacks are lethal, but just suck your mana bar dry.


Now, on to the baddies.


Brauner - "A vampire who lost his daughters thirty years ago, and had his magic powers awakened by Dracula's castle. Revived Dracula's castle by collecting tortured souls of those who died in World War II. His goal is to destroy humans who have yet again started war."


Brauner is the main villain of Portrait of Ruin, skewing from the traditional Dracula-oriented villainy. I won't ruin any of the game for you readers, but I'll say this: Brauner is very much the villain.


Stella - "The older of the twin vampire sisters. Has a flashy, aggressive personality. Looks down on humans condescendingly. Is skilled with physical attacks."


Stella is, frankly, a bitch. One of Brauner's twin daughters, Stella is the loud-mouth of the twins. The brash, disturbingly busty woman, Stella is one vampire I want to slap around with a riot glove.


Loretta - "The younger of the twin vampire sisters. Her physical appearance is a little plain, and she is intelligent, rational and unemotional. Looks down on humans, like her sister. Is skilled at magical attacks."


Loretta may be a cold, emotionless vampire, but that doesn't stop her from being a bitch. That's all I really have to say about Loretta, except for one thing: She's really got to ditch the bonnet.


On to the gameplay: Portrait of Ruin is the typical fast-paced Castlevania game. Combining the host of enemies on the screen with an arsenal of weapons and magic that would make all three Lord of the Rings films green with penis envy, Castlevania is hardly a game you'll want to put down.


Portrait of Ruin combines the classical, bash-the-hell-out-of-any-baddie-in-range with the beautiful music that has made the Castlevania franchise so popular. The musical score may be digitized 'synth' but it's still quite addictive and adds to the atmosphere of the game.


The gameplay and storyline itself consists of Jonathan and Charlotte making their way through the maze that is Dracula's Castle, but with quite a few changes made to it. Brauner has weaved several spells around the castle through his magical paintings which Jon and Charlotte must enter and defeat the bosses of in order to weaken Brauner's control over the castle and sink Dracula's castle back into the shadowy realm from whence it came. The controls are very similar to Dawn of Sorrow with the exception of not having to trace out a pattern with the stylus in order to banish an enemy to the nether realms. Just a straight forward bash and smash style to put down the bosses of each level.


Overall, I honestly think that Portrait of Ruin is a great addition to the Castlevania storyline, and explores a storyline that definitely has me gripped.


Story: 9.5/10
Gameplay/Controls: 9/10
Sound/Music: 9/10
Replayability: 8/10
Overall: 9/10


Don't miss out on this game if you have a DS. Definitely worth the money.